Nowhere-land

There are several thought about my life that makes me think I am on the wrong place every day, every minute. Nothing is happening the way it should. Pain is always present, I do not know if I am failing blocking it, or it is already to hi to be able to block it. Certainly, I have too much time open minded, and there are too many thoughts either new or either re-taken. This is not just what I feel or think, this is who I am, or should I say "where I am."

Actually, Where I am is not the question but where I am? I can not find a place to call it home, since there is not such a thing like a real family. I have relatives. Every one of them has their own world, and there is only a circumstantial meet on some time. After that, no one knows what is going on around neighbor worlds because they are completely away.

A couple of times, I found illusions about getting my own family, but it did not go further than an illusion. Once, I did my best to plan The Family, My Family. Worse thing ever. I should have never planned due to I knew from the beginning of the times, not any of my plans, not even the least, really turned true. I still made The Plan. It was mistaken. It was messed up. It ended even quicker that it took to be planned.

So, I ended up on Nowhere-land. The place I always tried to run out from is the place where I always come back. It is like going in circles, but never reached out. This is the place where even when you do your best, never is enough. This is where you think you can be better, but you keep falling even deeper. It makes you feel you do not even deserve more than your own pity, never ask for someone else's pity.

Yes, it is all my fault, thinking I could be different, better maybe, but no; not a chance. I always have been here in Nowhere. I dreamed I was out, it turned into nightmare when I realized not even in my dreams I could be better. And I ended right where I started. Should I stop looking? Should I stop willing? Should I stop talking to myself? Even though, there is no one else to talk.

Nowhere, Nowhere, Nowhere... any times I can repeat the same, never will change its meaning: Nowhere.