Back and Forward

This is weird and understandable. It has been a very hard time, and we do not want to lose control. We start to open up, but there is a point where we get scared again, and close down as soon as possible. I am wide open for you. You are trying to open a bit for me. I still think we will succeed!

Everything is kind of tight, but I am working and giving my best for you. This is going to be step by step, but please, do not get too scared. Let's stop reviewing our wounds. Let me soften your pain. You will realize it is going to be just fine.

We made a step last night, even though you tried to step back, I know we are going forward. Let's stop talking about our mistakes, and let's focus on the way to be closer. We can make it!

Nowhere-land

There are several thought about my life that makes me think I am on the wrong place every day, every minute. Nothing is happening the way it should. Pain is always present, I do not know if I am failing blocking it, or it is already to hi to be able to block it. Certainly, I have too much time open minded, and there are too many thoughts either new or either re-taken. This is not just what I feel or think, this is who I am, or should I say "where I am."

Actually, Where I am is not the question but where I am? I can not find a place to call it home, since there is not such a thing like a real family. I have relatives. Every one of them has their own world, and there is only a circumstantial meet on some time. After that, no one knows what is going on around neighbor worlds because they are completely away.

A couple of times, I found illusions about getting my own family, but it did not go further than an illusion. Once, I did my best to plan The Family, My Family. Worse thing ever. I should have never planned due to I knew from the beginning of the times, not any of my plans, not even the least, really turned true. I still made The Plan. It was mistaken. It was messed up. It ended even quicker that it took to be planned.

So, I ended up on Nowhere-land. The place I always tried to run out from is the place where I always come back. It is like going in circles, but never reached out. This is the place where even when you do your best, never is enough. This is where you think you can be better, but you keep falling even deeper. It makes you feel you do not even deserve more than your own pity, never ask for someone else's pity.

Yes, it is all my fault, thinking I could be different, better maybe, but no; not a chance. I always have been here in Nowhere. I dreamed I was out, it turned into nightmare when I realized not even in my dreams I could be better. And I ended right where I started. Should I stop looking? Should I stop willing? Should I stop talking to myself? Even though, there is no one else to talk.

Nowhere, Nowhere, Nowhere... any times I can repeat the same, never will change its meaning: Nowhere.

To whom it might concern

Today is not a good day, neither a bad day; it's just a day. Today, I am tired, tired of pain-which always is there- tired of not having my special person close to me-which I really miss- tired of having no value-which makes me feel less-

I have friends, many of them have been on my happy moments, but I did not want to bother any of them with my worse moments. This is not about me being weak, it is because there is a saying "Real friends are those that in good moments you call, but in bad ones, they come by themselves"

I am working on my life to get it to work as it should, I do apologize due to my dumb thoughts. There is not a excuse, but truly I was really down. I am still so down, yet I am trying my best to do anything to get better, hopefully I will.

God bless you always!

Broken . . .

I have nothing left in my heart because there is no heart anymore. I gave it to the most special person, but I did too much wrong that I broke her heart, but I did not realized I was broken my heart as well. I never meant to be mean, I never wanted to lose her; I just was not thinking.

Now, I do not want to know about any other girl, I am not interested in anyone else. I Just want my true love back. I feel I am a failure because I failed on her, the most important person in my world. Now, I just want the earth to swallow me, not to see her sad eyes again.

I do not want to be without her. I want my moon face back. I am just lonely, so damn lonely that no body will understand how I feel, not even her, the most beautiful girl. I want to go to sleep, and never get up, until this nightmare ends. But this is not going to end if I have not back what is my true love.

I love you, Pao!

Smile!

I swear I will smile!

I will smile, even if I am in pain.
I will smile, even if I have broken my heart.
I will smile, even if there hare people mocking on me.
I will smile, even if you walk away.
I will smile, even if you never come back.
I will smile, even if I lose all my friends.
I will smile, even if I can not walk.
I will smile, even if I am alone.
I will smile, even if my wallet is empty.
I will smile, even if I have nothing in my belly.
I will smile, even if there are very few moments of life remaining.
I will smile, even if you do not care about this post.
I will smile, even if I have lost faith.
I will smile, even if there is not hope.
I will smile, even if I am happy.
I will smile, even if I am sad.
I will smile, even if you come back.
I will smile, even if no body cares.

Though, I am tired of everything, then I have ripped the last piece of my heart, and I have shaped it like a smile; which I will put on, so no one can realize what is really happening because I do not want anybody to know me too much: That could really hurt me back again and again.

Silent

The time has come. I will be here, waiting. I will remain silent, but I will not give up. I just do not want to bother you again. This is my way to tell what I feel even if you do not care. I will not leave even if you are gone.

I can not go on, and it is not because I can not, this is just I do not walk alone. Certainly, I do not want to walk alone, but that does not mean I will walk with someone else. I will be here for you.

It seems you are gone, but I will not give up. I let you go because I what to think you just need sometime, with pain in my broken heart I set you free, if you come back, you might have always been mine as I have been always yours; if do not come back, you had never been mine even if I have been always yours.

I just will remain silent, I will be here, I will just be here!

Blowing Up

This was not meant to be, but now here I am. Wondering if there is a chance to make it better, to fix what is broken, to live. I am not worthy at all, surely I know. I am the least person on this world. I am nothing else than crap.

I am so full of crap that I am almost blowing up, and it is going to take all my inside out. There, suddenly, will not be any more soul, nor heart, nor sigh, neither breath. I have nothing left.

I have not strength, I have not value, and I have not spirit anymore. Since I am alone, I have not appetite even when I am starving, I have not sleep even when I am tired, I have not happiness even with God by my side.

I know this is not as this was meant to be, but as usual, all I planned, nothing becomes true. I planned my whole life, and it just blew up. I planned my decisions, and my feelings blew up. I planned so many things, but every one of them have blew up as I step forward, or backward, or any side.

I am just about to blow up. My heart is about to blow up. My chest is about to blow up. I just want to go to my surgery, so God might take all my pain away. Because I am tired, I can not go on. I am done!

Breaking Into a Million of Pieces

I needed to find something that could make my day brighter since the moon hides not to see me nor my pain. Therefore, I found some poem, that I want to try on because my heart is no longer needed for anyone . . .

A Letter to God Regarding My Heart - A Poem by Nochance

Dear God,
Here is my heart, I've broken it.

You see I tried to fix it as best I could, but it keeps falling apart.

I shared it with my friends, I gave them each a piece
Everything was fine, until the pieces they held began to break
Some of them were lost, some thrown away, A few of the pieces remained intact, treasured by my friends, But more still were breaking every day.

Pieces were returned to me, the carrier with tear stained eyes "I don't know what happened" they would say I would take back the piece, knowing we would never be the same.

I tried to reconstruct my heart, using anything I could
Band-aids, gauze, tape, ribbon, glue; nothing held and I cried.

As I put the pieces together the cracks spread; I didn't know what to do, I didn't want the broken bits to break the rest, so I'm giving it back to you God, I'm giving you my heart, I know you can fix it, you are the one who created it, I'm not asking you to make it new, I'm merely asking you to make it whole.

The cracks will help me remember all the pain I've gone through, the glue holding it together will make those breaks stronger, and it won't break in the same place again.

It was such a pretty heart, you made it oh so well, I wish I hadn't broken it, but the breaks are part of life, for an unbroken heart has never lived, has never loved; So will you protect my heart, keep it safe for me?

And when the cracks appear, will you fix them, patch them, I would be so grateful, it's so hard to heal a heart that is your own. I'll be back for it someday, when I can find the one who will care for it as you do.

I thank you God, for everything you've done, for hearing my plea, and restoring my heart.

Forever Yours,
- A broken-heart-holder (this is added by me)


P.S.
Thanks Nochance, I could not make it any better.
http://nochance.hubpages.com/

Walking Death

I now come from the deepest part of the world, where no body have ever been. I went because I want my soul to come back to me, but still I could not find it. I gave my soul, my heart, my life, my everything; yet it was not enough. I had to lose my life, and that was not even close to enough.

There is no heartbeat inside, or is that there was not any from the beginning? someone told me I had a heart, deep inside of my chest. I was not sure to believe, but I trusted. Now, I do not know if I lost it, or it never existed. But for sure I can tell, there is not going to be me again. Not the me I was, nor the me I became.

Is it that not a single person gets me? Is it that no body really cares? Is it that I am not worthy at all? Is it that my questions are wrong? Is it that I am looking for answers at the wrong place? Is it that I am nothing more than a worm?

I have to give up, but I can not give up at the same time. I know that she does not see any valuable good on or in me, or that is what looks like. People does not understand my feelings. This is like death walking instead of me trying to get up!

I hope this little piece of what someone told me was a heart last long enough because my soul, my life, and my everything can not hold themselves all together.