Back and Forward

This is weird and understandable. It has been a very hard time, and we do not want to lose control. We start to open up, but there is a point where we get scared again, and close down as soon as possible. I am wide open for you. You are trying to open a bit for me. I still think we will succeed!

Everything is kind of tight, but I am working and giving my best for you. This is going to be step by step, but please, do not get too scared. Let's stop reviewing our wounds. Let me soften your pain. You will realize it is going to be just fine.

We made a step last night, even though you tried to step back, I know we are going forward. Let's stop talking about our mistakes, and let's focus on the way to be closer. We can make it!

Nowhere-land

There are several thought about my life that makes me think I am on the wrong place every day, every minute. Nothing is happening the way it should. Pain is always present, I do not know if I am failing blocking it, or it is already to hi to be able to block it. Certainly, I have too much time open minded, and there are too many thoughts either new or either re-taken. This is not just what I feel or think, this is who I am, or should I say "where I am."

Actually, Where I am is not the question but where I am? I can not find a place to call it home, since there is not such a thing like a real family. I have relatives. Every one of them has their own world, and there is only a circumstantial meet on some time. After that, no one knows what is going on around neighbor worlds because they are completely away.

A couple of times, I found illusions about getting my own family, but it did not go further than an illusion. Once, I did my best to plan The Family, My Family. Worse thing ever. I should have never planned due to I knew from the beginning of the times, not any of my plans, not even the least, really turned true. I still made The Plan. It was mistaken. It was messed up. It ended even quicker that it took to be planned.

So, I ended up on Nowhere-land. The place I always tried to run out from is the place where I always come back. It is like going in circles, but never reached out. This is the place where even when you do your best, never is enough. This is where you think you can be better, but you keep falling even deeper. It makes you feel you do not even deserve more than your own pity, never ask for someone else's pity.

Yes, it is all my fault, thinking I could be different, better maybe, but no; not a chance. I always have been here in Nowhere. I dreamed I was out, it turned into nightmare when I realized not even in my dreams I could be better. And I ended right where I started. Should I stop looking? Should I stop willing? Should I stop talking to myself? Even though, there is no one else to talk.

Nowhere, Nowhere, Nowhere... any times I can repeat the same, never will change its meaning: Nowhere.

To whom it might concern

Today is not a good day, neither a bad day; it's just a day. Today, I am tired, tired of pain-which always is there- tired of not having my special person close to me-which I really miss- tired of having no value-which makes me feel less-

I have friends, many of them have been on my happy moments, but I did not want to bother any of them with my worse moments. This is not about me being weak, it is because there is a saying "Real friends are those that in good moments you call, but in bad ones, they come by themselves"

I am working on my life to get it to work as it should, I do apologize due to my dumb thoughts. There is not a excuse, but truly I was really down. I am still so down, yet I am trying my best to do anything to get better, hopefully I will.

God bless you always!

Broken . . .

I have nothing left in my heart because there is no heart anymore. I gave it to the most special person, but I did too much wrong that I broke her heart, but I did not realized I was broken my heart as well. I never meant to be mean, I never wanted to lose her; I just was not thinking.

Now, I do not want to know about any other girl, I am not interested in anyone else. I Just want my true love back. I feel I am a failure because I failed on her, the most important person in my world. Now, I just want the earth to swallow me, not to see her sad eyes again.

I do not want to be without her. I want my moon face back. I am just lonely, so damn lonely that no body will understand how I feel, not even her, the most beautiful girl. I want to go to sleep, and never get up, until this nightmare ends. But this is not going to end if I have not back what is my true love.

I love you, Pao!

Smile!

I swear I will smile!

I will smile, even if I am in pain.
I will smile, even if I have broken my heart.
I will smile, even if there hare people mocking on me.
I will smile, even if you walk away.
I will smile, even if you never come back.
I will smile, even if I lose all my friends.
I will smile, even if I can not walk.
I will smile, even if I am alone.
I will smile, even if my wallet is empty.
I will smile, even if I have nothing in my belly.
I will smile, even if there are very few moments of life remaining.
I will smile, even if you do not care about this post.
I will smile, even if I have lost faith.
I will smile, even if there is not hope.
I will smile, even if I am happy.
I will smile, even if I am sad.
I will smile, even if you come back.
I will smile, even if no body cares.

Though, I am tired of everything, then I have ripped the last piece of my heart, and I have shaped it like a smile; which I will put on, so no one can realize what is really happening because I do not want anybody to know me too much: That could really hurt me back again and again.