Pain Levels

There is some level of stuff a body, mind, heart, and/or soul can be able to bear without having a mess. When this line is crossed, the mess start, and everything begins to look very different. It is different because the strength you had is now just not enough to hold yourself.

I have been floating around, unable to find a dock. Every relationship I have been in, I thought here is where I belong because the dock is just everything I dreamed of by that time. Sadly, my boat is not as soft as the dock, and the tights start to worn o until one day without previous notice, the last one breaks and I find myself floating in the middle of a storm.

Walking alone, trying to find all my pieces, but there are a lot of pieces that fell on the dock, some other fell off the boat, some when into little breaks in the boat yet unable to reach them. Then I cannot put myself together as I was, not as I am, certainly not as I want to be.

I am not a person of disposable and replacement. I am a builder, I am a fixer. I work hard for people, for friends, for family, for my family, for myself. If someone goes wrong I look for the way to fix it instead of ending it. Sadly, most of people (if not all) now they think if something goes wrong, they dispose and replace as the issue might repeat, but it also might not, for sure will not if the issue is fixed. But they remain afraid to what could or could not happen that forget why it was trying to be fixed.

I am not a strong person. I only can endure physical pain. It also affected the rest though. My soul has lost faith, my heart is losing hope, my mind has lost sense, and everything because my body is not responding to pain treatment. I was able to hold back the pain, but when it reached certain level, it destroyed me, my family, family, friends, and everything else to the point of being a human dispossession.

Now, there is just pain at different levels.
Body has pain all the time becoming useless.
Mind is all confused becoming pointless.
Heart is broken becoming worthless.
Soul is empty becoming helpless.

Even when I can endure pain, it does not mean I deserve it, though. Am I doing something wrong? Is it a punishment? Have I lost my way? Do I deserve this pain? Do I deserve this mind? Do I deserve a broken heart? Where is my soul now?