Pain Levels

There is some level of stuff a body, mind, heart, and/or soul can be able to bear without having a mess. When this line is crossed, the mess start, and everything begins to look very different. It is different because the strength you had is now just not enough to hold yourself.

I have been floating around, unable to find a dock. Every relationship I have been in, I thought here is where I belong because the dock is just everything I dreamed of by that time. Sadly, my boat is not as soft as the dock, and the tights start to worn o until one day without previous notice, the last one breaks and I find myself floating in the middle of a storm.

Walking alone, trying to find all my pieces, but there are a lot of pieces that fell on the dock, some other fell off the boat, some when into little breaks in the boat yet unable to reach them. Then I cannot put myself together as I was, not as I am, certainly not as I want to be.

I am not a person of disposable and replacement. I am a builder, I am a fixer. I work hard for people, for friends, for family, for my family, for myself. If someone goes wrong I look for the way to fix it instead of ending it. Sadly, most of people (if not all) now they think if something goes wrong, they dispose and replace as the issue might repeat, but it also might not, for sure will not if the issue is fixed. But they remain afraid to what could or could not happen that forget why it was trying to be fixed.

I am not a strong person. I only can endure physical pain. It also affected the rest though. My soul has lost faith, my heart is losing hope, my mind has lost sense, and everything because my body is not responding to pain treatment. I was able to hold back the pain, but when it reached certain level, it destroyed me, my family, family, friends, and everything else to the point of being a human dispossession.

Now, there is just pain at different levels.
Body has pain all the time becoming useless.
Mind is all confused becoming pointless.
Heart is broken becoming worthless.
Soul is empty becoming helpless.

Even when I can endure pain, it does not mean I deserve it, though. Am I doing something wrong? Is it a punishment? Have I lost my way? Do I deserve this pain? Do I deserve this mind? Do I deserve a broken heart? Where is my soul now?

Eggshells

There is this place:
This sweet space,
This pretty sky,
This fresh weather,
The silly myself, though.

There is this way:
This yellow street,
This wet soil,
This guide line,
The eggshell road, though.

There is side one of me:
This silly of smile,
This beg of space,
This widh of desire,
The will of trust, though.

There is side two of me:
This real of frustration,
This seat of oppression,
This feel of compulsion,
The actual deal, though.

There is side #^(n+1) of me:
This day I apologize
This day I surrender
This day I resign
The fate of myself, though

Every side of me tried to reach out,
This part of me will not walk out,
The path of eggshells is scrambled now,
The step after step was not thought out.

There is the end with no oz magician, priest, nor atheist able to work and think things through to build up our new preaent bridge when our past wall is still arising throughout our future door.

Recurring Wrongness...

For there is something special close to me, and it will not come through. There are already too many time I have tried to reach it, but it will not come to me. I ask myself, is it me the unworthy or is it is not truly worth?

Once, and once again, and even once more... it repeatedly comes and go. Am I the one who has not lucid eyes to understand what is not really happening or is it that I just want it to happen so bad that let anything get to me, through me, in front of me...

Some of my thoughts possesses me. They say I am the one who is wrong. But there is always a little voice telling me I am the one who is really worth the shot, but I am settling my sight to low just because I am sitting down.

While bedridden and chained to my wheelchair, I only see up to the face of people. But not all people have theirs worth that high. I must Learn to read then down instead of just looking them up.

I have to believe that someday I will get that something special my soul is looking for, and it will be transformed into The Someone Special my life is ready to hail!!!